My Books, My Voice

Have you ever thought about the impact of fatherhood on a child?  Have you ever fantasized about the kind of father you would like to be?  We see a lot of hype in the media that stereotypes the African American male as irresponsible and uncommitted to the growth and development of the children they have birthed.  While there may be an element of truth to this notion, there are also many men who understand that being a Father, a Daddy, has nothing to do with the successful delivery of sperm. 
More and more African Americans, both as couples and singles, are looking for options that will allow them to grow and develop a family. While most single adopters are women, there are an increasing number of men who are beginning to step up to the challenge of raising a child or children.   There are many perceptions, mostly myths, about adoption.   In this article, we will give you some facts about adoption, as well as dispel some of the myths about the manhood of fatherhood. 

Adoption: A Threat to My Manhood?
 
According to Toni Williams, associate director of Spence-Chaplin Services and overseer of minority programs, men come to adoption ten steps behind their wives.  “Men come in as protectors.  They have watched their wives anguish over their inability to have a child, some even going through painful and expensive procedures to become pregnant.  They just want the wife to be alright.  So initially, the focus is on the woman.  In adoption agencies and placement services today, there is a better understanding and sensitivity to how the man feels about childbearing and adoption.”  Men really need the same kind of support.  They need the opportunity to express their hurt, their fears.  When working with couples as couples, the wives are surprised to learn how the husband really feels.  Many husbands have the initial feeling: I don’t want to parent another man’s child.  I don’t know if I can bond with this child.  Masculinity, manhood, and virility come into question. Our history still drives our actions; we grab onto unique things to define ourselves as humans, certainly as men. For some, it is the material things we buy: the labels, the bling.  For others it is about sex and its relationship to what we have been programmed to believe defines manhood.  We fail to understand our true role as members of a community that must destroy ongoing myths and break many cycles of behaviors that others use to define us, if we are to thrive as a people.
Fatherhood and its gratification is actually divorced from parenting.  Historically there has not been a lot of external emotional support.  The issues men face they struggle with in silence.  Society programs us that way.  Most do not understand that parenting a child is much more than creating a baby.  We need to acknowledge that fathering a child requires much more than effective delivery of the sperm.  Women tend to be nurturing and can bond even in advance of actually seeing the child.   Men need the actual experience of parenting to understand bonding.  When they enter the adoption process there are doubts.  But once they take the baby home, a man is transformed.  He is committed as a father.  Going through the adoption is about them as a couple. Forget what you see in the media when it comes to adoptions.  Most adoptions become typical family life.  It is not filled with problems and interruptions.  According to Toni Williams, there are very few disruptions of their adoptions. “The issue of raising another man’s child proves to be a myth as they embrace the process and the understanding of real parenting,” says Rhonie Lester, also of Spence-Chapin. 

 Several adopting fathers, former members of the Father’s Group, established in 1998 by fathers in Spence-Chapin’s African American Infant Adoption Program wanted to provide a support tool for future African American men considering adoption.  They created a video called Real Men Adopt.  In the video, five men share their insights about infertility, bonding, adoption sharing and the joys of fatherhood. 
Allen was not looking to adopt at all.  Allen had himself been adopted and wanted to have a child who was blood, who was directly related to him.  He wanted the biological connection that he did not have with his mother or father.  “The biggest question for me was did I want to have a biological connection or did I want to have a family?”  Allen found that there was an interesting parallel between adopting and his search for his birth family, which he began to pursue as they journeyed further into the adoption process.  “Things have changed since I was adopted.  Keeping secrets was discovered to be more harmful than integrating and weaving the truth of being adopted into the family’s tapestry…it is important to emphasize that there was love in the choice of giving him or her up for adoption.  The ‘why’ of the adoption will come up.  Children simply need to know that there was nothing wrong with them; a parent or parents gave them up so that they would have a better life.  You cannot worry whether you are going to be loved if your child has the information about their birth parents because the drive to know who you are and where you came from is always there.” 
Toni Williams noted that the fathers ultimately dropped out of the group as their lives became as normal and routine as any other family.  They had soccer games and recitals to attend. The need for that support among adoptive fathers disappeared.  They were just fathers after all.

Several adopting fathers, former members of the Father’s Group, established in 1998 by fathers in Spence-Chapin’s African American Infant Adoption Program wanted to provide a support tool for future African American men considering adoption.  They created a video called Real Men Adopt.  In the video, five men share their insights about infertility, bonding, adoption sharing and the joys of fatherhood. 
Allen was not looking to adopt at all.  Allen had himself been adopted and wanted to have a child who was blood, who was directly related to him.  He wanted the biological connection that he did not have with his mother or father.  “The biggest question for me was did I want to have a biological connection or did I want to have a family?”  Allen found that there was an interesting parallel between adopting and his search for his birth family, which he began to pursue as they journeyed further into the adoption process.  “Things have changed since I was adopted.  Keeping secrets was discovered to be more harmful than integrating and weaving the truth of being adopted into the family’s tapestry…it is important to emphasize that there was love in the choice of giving him or her up for adoption.  The ‘why’ of the adoption will come up.  Children simply need to know that there was nothing wrong with them; a parent or parents gave them up so that they would have a better life.  You cannot worry whether you are going to be loved if your child has the information about their birth parents because the drive to know who you are and where you came from is always there.” 
Toni Williams noted that the fathers ultimately dropped out of the group as their lives became as normal and routine as any other family.  They had soccer games and recitals to attend. The need for that support among adoptive fathers disappeared.  They were just fathers after all.

Foster Care versus Adoption: What’s the Difference?

When considering adoption, some think that by first becoming a foster parent, it gives them the opportunity to try parenthood on for size, see if it’s comfortable.  Not so.  Becoming a foster parent requires an entirely different mentality, very different from the commitment of adoption.  The nature of a child’s relationship with adopting parents is very different than with foster parents.  The word foster means cultivate and encourage.  The primary objective of a foster home is to nurture children until the parents are prepared to commit to that responsibility or relinquish it to those who are.
Foster care provides a home setting for those who would not otherwise have a home.  Foster care is primarily designed to help the adult who cannot care for the child in the present.  It is court driven, but the children are expected to return to a parent or parents once a change is demonstrated; thus it is perceived as temporary.  But how long is long enough?  The courts have yet to define how long a child should be in the judicial system while waiting for a parent or parents to get their act together.  Children need permanency. Lack of permanency generates other problems.  Then there is the issue of sibling groups; sisters and brothers who want to and should be raised in one household.   Children need to know that their relationships are meaningful, not disposable.  Foster care should never be considered as a trial fit of a child to determine if parenting is for you.  Understanding that, many foster parents ultimately adopt the children they have been raising in foster care.  Having been approved as a foster parent, it can be easier to take the last step of commitment through adoption.  This is an act of genuine love and commitment as the financial burden of raising a child becomes that of the adopting parent.
If you take on a commitment to care for a child whether it is foster care or adopting, you are doing it every day.  It is an emotional commitment either way.  The distinction becomes inconsequential.  The bigger question is “Do I want/need to raise a child forever?”  Or am I in a position to give and serve?”  It takes a unique individual or individuals to love and commit to children on a temporary basis.  You see people who are invested in foster care and open their homes to the children – and, in rare cases, the parents of those children in an effort to maintain a parent/child bond.  Your mindset, if considering foster parenting, should be that you are supporting and helping the community village by providing love and support to children in need. 

Single Parent Adoption
 
All kinds of people choose to adopt – there is no one "acceptable" type. Adoptive parents run across every social and economic strata:  women and men who are highly educated with well-respected jobs, high school graduates with blue-collar jobs, people with grown children and others who want to care for a child with special needs. They are all capable people who have a lot of love to share. Many are in the "helping" professions – psychologists, teachers, nurses – and want to improve the lives of children.
In a fact sheet from the National Adoption Information Clearinghouse it states that the two primary obstacles for those who choose to become a single adoptive parent are traditional social views – two parent homes are better for a child than one parent homes – and many times, it’s your own family and friends who fail to understand why you would choose to raise a child alone.  They fail to see the bigger picture: a loving devoted single parent offers greater possibilities for a child and decreases the number of children without a stable, loving living environment. A growing number of public agencies acknowledge that a single adoptive parent may, in fact, be the "placement of choice" for some children. Kathryn S. Donley, former executive director of New York Spaulding for Children sees single adoptive parents as having special capabilities that can be especially helpful to children who have had traumatic histories. They can provide (1) a high caliber of parenting potential (the screening process for singles is so exhaustive that only the most persistent survive), (2) a simplified environment where the number of complex relationships is reduced to a minimum, and (3) focused nurturing. Since the single parent has fewer distractions, he or she can perhaps spend a fair amount of time analyzing and responding to a child's needs and building a relationship.
Further, single adoption by men is an uphill climb.  A single man faces tougher scrutiny than single women. They are asked intimate questions about their sexuality, motives, friends and living arrangements. They may be qualified to parent and still be turned down.  But as one single parent who experienced this situation advises: "Be strong! You can't let people around you tear you down. If this is your choice, then don't let people influence you and don’t be discouraged by one agency; find other alternative resources. Wait until the child comes, and you'll see how involved your friends and family will get."
In spite of the many obstacles often put in their way, single men do adopt. In fact, one out of every ten members of the Committee for Single Adoptive Parents -- a national support organization -- is a male.
Tommy Garner, associate pastor, World Changes Church International in Atlanta, Georgia and director of Restoration Community Resources, a non-profit organization that fights recidivism, has a single parents ministry in his church.  “The needs of a single parent are generally different from singles without children.  A significant number of men have become a part of the group as socially, men have become more nurturing and more women are trending toward the abandonment of their children.”  “There is an informal system of adoption in our communities,” said Minister Garner.  “For example, my godson at age twenty-four grew up in a single parent environment; his mother never married.  He now lives with a woman who has two children. He treats them as his own.  It is a form of adoption.  Yes, there is a greater potential for abandonment in this environment where there is no formal commitment.  But then, when you look at the statistics of divorcing parents and children born out of wedlock, I’m not certain where the difference is. Women are beginning to realize the importance of positive male influence on their sons and daughters.  I would hope and would counsel men to be responsible when making a commitment to blend into a household with children.  Children need stability in their environment; they don’t need a revolving door of parental relationships.”
According to Toni Oliver, child advocate and President of Roots Adoption Agency in Atlanta, Georgia, there are a sizeable number of single men wanting to adopt.  Their organization has a process that potential parents must complete, which includes education to dispel the myths of parenting.  There are skills that must be developed with discipline.  The time factor is always a surprise to the potential parents.  Singles and couples alike must identify and develop a support system that works for them.  With our process and development of adoptive parents, we have experienced only two percent disruption of our placements.  “Many agencies assume that African Americans do not adopt.  That isn’t true.  The number of African Americans adoptions is three to four times greater than any other ethnic group. And this does not include the number of children informally adopted in our communities.  The solution to our [African American] family problems is not in the governmental system.  The richest part of our history is that we take care of our own.”

Adoption: The Process

There are no nationalized adoption laws or standard practices in the adoption process that apply in every state.  Practices in adoption are not uniform across the country. There is a case that can be made for a national standard and process, as the many agencies across the country do not seem to have a method  of talking to one another, so that while one agency perceives that there is no adoptive parents available for African American babies, another is struggling to find resources to fill the demand.  To learn more about the adoption situation in your state, you will want to contact the state's Department of Public Welfare or Social Services and local public and private adoption agencies. Their addresses can be obtained from your local phone book or by contacting the National Adoption Information Clearinghouse. The Clearinghouse can provide listings by state of agencies and can answer specific questions about the types of children who are available. You may choose to find a child through a private or inter-country adoption, but as Lois Gilman points out, "touching base initially with local agencies gives you a better grasp of adoption in the United States and in your state today."
The good news is that the adoption process is getting easier.  What you will need most as you take the journey into the adoption process is determination and focus.  Perseverance is the key.  You must determine what child would best be served by your decision to adopt.  Is age a factor?  Would you be better suited to raising a child who is past the toddler age or is it your desire to raise a child or children from infancy?  If you are willing to consider an older child, a sibling group or a disabled child, you would likely be successful in approaching a public or private agency.  Many are responsible for children living in foster care or institutions and are looking for qualified applicants offering permanent homes.
It generally takes one year to eighteen months for the completion of the adoption process.  Along with the background checks, home studies, and other parameters defined by state law, there are classes to take and various benchmarks that must be achieved by the adopting parent or parents.  Some states also require that both the father and mother of the child being adopted provide court-driven agreement to the adoption.  In some states, even relatives of the child may intercede in the adoption process and request guardianship.
There are financial responsibilities associated with the adoption process.  Fees and costs vary from state to state, agency to agency.  But there are also resources out there, available to the adopting parent or parents.  You should start with the company you work for.  Many large corporations have programs and benefits that they make available to adoptive parents.  Some provide financial support during the adoption process; others offer the equivalent leave of absence (six weeks) -- given to birth mothers in their employ – to the adopting father or the mother.  Review your company’s benefits to see what support they offer.
According to Gloria King, Executive Director of the Black Adoption Placement and Research Center: “California remains the number one state in out of home placement and of the children waiting for families, more than fifty percent are African American.   Some obstacles that have been identified have included the stigma of parenting in the black community.  The belief is that, for the most part, parenting is handled by “strong” black women and that our men don’t stay around long enough to mentor their children and be effective role models.  This is not the whole truth.  We must acknowledge that we live in a race-conscious society. Many of us live in communities that are challenged by poverty and joblessness, as well as lack of knowledge and resources.  While there continues to be inequities that challenge healthy family living, we can and must challenge -- then change these historical stigmas. It has been said, ‘As long as habit and routine dictate your pattern of living, new dimensions of the soul will not emerge.’  Habits are like machines; they consistently turn out the same product.  They cannot do anything else; they were designed to produce that specific result.  Change requires new behaviors, thoughts, surroundings, and a willingness to do battle with old ways of thinking.   The cycles must be broken and we must stop waiting for someone else to save us; they aren’t coming.”

A True Man’s Story

Michael Derrios, thirty, is the single parent of an eight year old son.  He is also a writer; his first novel, Balancing Destiny, explores a young woman’s search for identity after her perfect world is revealed to be nothing more than a facade.  His that truth is more fascinating than fiction.

I was the only white kid in a neighborhood of low income housing.  I got beat up in the school I attended for being white.   My mother had some issues, mostly with race, so it is very ironic that we lived in a black neighborhood.  I never subscribed to those thoughts.  I chose to learn about the people I lived around.   So I read a lot of books about African Americans, so that I could better understand them.  Due to a series of unfortunate incidents my birth mother abandoned me for a man that she met.  Left me on my aunt’s porch. My aunt resented being left with the responsibility of caring for me.   My cousin called me a n------- lover because he walked in on me reading about Malcolm X in my room.  I was told I had to move out.  After that, I was bounced from one family member to another, finally ending up at my grandmother’s house, where my Uncle also lived.  He and my grandmother had a very co-dependent relationship.  One day my uncle, who is an alcoholic, storms into my room, angry and drunk.  He wanted to know why I wouldn’t talk to him. He storms out into the dining room, and comes back ...with a gun, aims it at me and tells me to get out. I get out because I don’t know if the gun is loaded or not.  My grandmother arrives in time to see it all and allows it to happen, lets him kick me out.  This is in Virginia, near a beach.  So I am homeless, sleeping on beach at age fourteen.  I finally got my aunt to let me stay at her house for a week while I tried to locate my mother.  I actually find her in another city in Virginia.  I stole a car – at age fourteen – and drove out to where she was.  It turned out that the guy she left with had abandoned her and she had no money.  I became the parent and told her that we weren’t staying there.  We packed up her few belongings and go back to my grandmother’s house.   My mother and uncle never got along.  One day, he was drunk as usual and got into a fight with my mother.  He backed her up against a wall and was choking her.  I took a baseball bat and beat him with it.  The police came, but took my uncle to the hospital and then to jail.  They decided that I had beat him in defense of my mother.  My grandmother throws my mother and me out.  We tried to go to a shelter, but they wouldn’t put us in one because I was a teenage male and they did not allow teen male to stay is abuse shelters.  They put us up in motels as temporary housing.  They told her that without me they could help her, but that this was the last of the help they could provide for both of us.   So we are in the motel.  I go to take a shower.  When I come out, the room is full of police.  My mother had called someone to say she was going to commit suicide, so the police came.  This wasn’t her first time attempting suicide.    I was done. I put my clothes on. I told the police I was leaving and to take care of her. I lied and said I was eighteen, so they let me go. My mother and I shared a look before I left.   She let me leave, the cops let me leave.  I was back to sleeping in the car I had stolen.  When we moved in with my grandmother, I had re-enrolled in school before the bat incident.   I had met a guy there who had a girlfriend named Tamara.  He befriended me because I had a car and could take him to Tamara’s house.  He was the only friend I had and I needed help.  I didn’t have his number so I called his girlfriend looking for a number to reach him.  I must have sounded desperate.  She asked so I told her what was going on.  She gave me the number for my friend.  When I call and tell him I need help, he asks me to come get him to go see Tamara.  Sure I’m having major problems, but yeah, I can give you a ride to see your girlfriend.  So I am sitting in the car outside Tamara’s house.  Her mother comes out, takes me by the hand and brings me into the house.  There was food set out on the table for me.  She shows me a bed and says” this is where you will stay until your problems are solved.”  So I stayed there.  I tried to do things around the house to earn my keep.  Here I am, living with a middle-class black family.  This was all Mom’s doing at first; Pops disagreed initially because he wasn’t comfortable with his wife’s decision to take in a total stranger and he was very protective of his daughter.  Mom wanted me back in school.  In Virginia, you have to have legal custody to enroll a child in school.  Mom and Pop talked it over and decided to petition the courts for guardianship, which was granted.  They have been my family for the last fifteen years.  Tamara, my sister, got more flack in high school about me than I did.  She finally made up a story saying that I was actually her light-skinned half-brother so they would leave her alone.   I lived with them until I graduated school and went into the Air Force.  Today I work for the government and am in grad school, getting my MBA.  My undergrad degree is in education.   

How hard is single parenting?  Extremely hard.  I had no role models, never knew my birth father, the only role model I have is Pop.  Pop is my go-to guy.  He is the one I ask about everything.  I wish I had him early on.  I am just now beginning to feel OK in my own skin.  There is something there that women cannot give men children.  I cannot explain it.  It was missing when I was with my birth mother.  I was determined to be the father I never had.  I have raised my son since he was eighteen months old. My ex-wife and I agreed that she was not physically or mentally able to take care of him.  It has been the most challenging thing I’ve ever had to deal with. Although I had much desire, I was not prepared.  I got the wake-up call that it was not an easy task.  I wanted to correct the wrongs done to me, but the desire does not create the ability.  Plus there is the issue of raising a bi-racial child; I want to make sure he knows his heritage.  Trying to balance family, education, and work – forget the social life.  Drive and desire to parent is not enough; you have to learn the skill set.   I finally told my ex-wife that he really needs both of us. We do not in the same area, but she now understands that she needs to be in his life, even if we aren’t together.  I cannot do it alone, I need support.   It is not fair and right to him to try to raise him without it.
You asked what I would want to let other men know.  Adoption is a beautiful thing.   My novel is about a woman who was adopted.   Because my situation is unique, I know my birth mother. My message to adopted children is that if it’s going to make you feel complete by seeking birth parents, do that.  I am happy with my family and don’t need to look any further for answers.  I don’t need to know who my birth father was. Don’t feel guilty about what you don’t know; focus on what your reality is. Men don’t talk about their feelings.  Don’t hold it in.  Find someone you can trust with your feelings and let them out.  Anything else I want to say? Let me think a minute, because I’m not sure that I can express this the way I want it understood: The people who raise you and love you – well, you could sit around all day and speculate about what might have been.  You know, coulda’, woulda’, shoulda --- that doesn’t matter.  If the job got done and you are loved that’s all that matters. What I received was a gift.  People took me in and loved me.   My life turned out really well.  Had I stayed in the cycle I was in I would not be where I am today. 

One More Thing…

Here are some final thoughts for those of you who still see your manhood directly associated with your ability to reproduce:  If you are not in the position and/or have the desire to fully accept the responsibility of parenting a child, then love that potential son or daughter enough to make sure they are not conceived until you are ready to be a parent and that you are having a child with someone who is worthy of parenting your children.  There are way too many “baby mommas” out there who have neither the knowledge nor the desire to be a good parent. This is, in part, why so many grandparents are drawn into the informal adoption of their children’s children.  She may look good, but do you really want to trust her with loving and parenting your child?  Do you know her well enough to risk your child’s future by leaving his or her life experience in her hands – or in the hands of some government agency that removes them from her care? You, as a man, have to be a part of the process that breaks this historic cycle in our communities.
In the true definition and spirit of what defines manhood as it relates to fathering children, the real indicator is what you do with the opportunity, the responsibility of growing a child into a caring, loving, happy, secure human being.  What is the benefit of having wisdom, knowledge and love to give, and no one to receive it?  It’s all about love; you have the opportunity to provide what’s missing.